Feelings

Feelings. Today I have a lot of feelings about this topic!

For anyone familiar with the enneagram(hot topic 2018!) I am a 7. 7's try to avoid pain. Looking back that has been a huge part of who I am. I don't want to feel pain and I will do pretty much anything to accomplish that. Sometimes it means pushing down feelings and saying I will be fine. Sometimes it means avoiding people or places or events.

Growing up I was always told I was so happy. Joy has always been a word people have used to describe me. When I met with a counselor he said I was "smiling depressed." At the time it didn't make sense and I didn't really know what he meant other than I felt a lot of dark and deep feelings but I was still smiling-why was that? was that a bad thing? good thing? just a thing?

Recently, I think for maybe the first time in my life, I've been letting myself feel some things that are painful. My go to reaction when I experience pain is to avoid it. To tell myself I'm fine and move on. To try to justify the person who said hurtful things or rationalize why the event happened- all in pursuit of not feeling pain. Last week I spent most of a day in tears. Literally every time I tried to open my mouth I started crying. It frustrated me. I tried to stop it. I couldn't. Again my go to when I start to cry is to try and stop-to find a way to avoid feeling the pain of whatever is causing the tears. I took a morning and tried to process where the tears were coming from-if I'm being honest it was not in pursuit of healing but in pursuit of figuring out how to make it stop. There were a lot of reasons for the tears but I think the root of them was 2-fold. One it was the Holy Spirit trying to get me to listen and the other was me feelings some things I just couldn't push down any longer.

This week I have been feeling a lot of things. I have been angry, hurt, confused, excited, tired, encouraged, disappointed. This morning as I was spending some time journaling I decided to press into some of those feelings instead of avoiding them. I asked the Holy Spirit to help me process.

Part of what I was processing was something that was said to me yesterday. Someone said to me, "%#*& wants married couples  . . . . " It was said in reference to community building and what would be good for a particular community that I am a part of and what someone valued in bringing a particular person into that community. It was said to my face. I am single. Again- I am single and someone said-to my face- that they valued married couples(over single people). This is where my avoidance of pain kicked in hard core! I respect and value both the person who said this to me and the person they were referencing. I value them as people and I value their words and work ethic. I believe they value me and my work as well. So my initial reaction was to rationalize-they didn't know what they were saying- they didn't mean it- they just don't know better- it's my own issues that make me feel hurt, etc.

I felt very hurt and angry but I tried to push it down. I couldn't. As the night went on, once I was alone, I got more and more hurt. As the words and the sentiment behind the words continued to sink in I became more discouraged and hurt and angry. So this morning I tried to process. Recently I have been reading through John. Today I just happened to be in chapter 11. The thing that hit me today was how Jesus felt. In the version I was reading it says several times, "he was deeply moved(vs 33, vs 38)." It also says he wept(vs 35). The thing(and I know this should not be an epiphany at this point in my walk-but it was today) that struck me was that Jesus felt. He felt deeply and he didn't try to avoid it because he knew everything would be ok. He didn't try to avoid it because he could control it. He didn't try to avoid it because he knew the people and could justify what happened. He was moved and he wept. He sat in it and felt it.

Here are my words from my journal as I processed-unedited from my journal

"Lord, sometimes/right now-it feels like I've been trying so hard to fit in, to find my place and in the midst of that it was thrown in my face that I don't. How hard it is in the christian world- as a woman and as a single person to feel like there is room for me-it feels like a constant battle and sometimes I don't want to feel it. I want to just keep going. When I feel it-it hurts and seems to make life harder. But maybe it also makes life better-both for me and for the people around me who I am a part of changing-opening the eyes of. God-I give you that-it is hard work to keep fighting/going/pursuing and to be rejected or left out or "behind." Help me to keep going though-use me, my voice, my life.  Holy Spirit-all that you have given me-use it in my life and in the lives of the people I'm around."

As I finished writing those words I was encouraged. Encouraged that God is growing me, changing me, using me. Encouraged that even though it sometimes feels to me like I am always having to fight for my place in the church or christian community- God has put that fight in me-has created me to keep going even when I want to give up- is always pursuing me and saying there is room for me. I was also discouraged- that this is still something I butt up against on a daily basis- the idea that because someone has a ring on their finger they are somehow more valuable or more mature. So in this moment I am choosing to feel. Feel the feelings and not try to avoid them. That may mean more tears or venting than I am comfortable with but I'm pretty sure it is part of growth and I want to grow.