Feelings

Feelings. Today I have a lot of feelings about this topic!

For anyone familiar with the enneagram(hot topic 2018!) I am a 7. 7's try to avoid pain. Looking back that has been a huge part of who I am. I don't want to feel pain and I will do pretty much anything to accomplish that. Sometimes it means pushing down feelings and saying I will be fine. Sometimes it means avoiding people or places or events.

Growing up I was always told I was so happy. Joy has always been a word people have used to describe me. When I met with a counselor he said I was "smiling depressed." At the time it didn't make sense and I didn't really know what he meant other than I felt a lot of dark and deep feelings but I was still smiling-why was that? was that a bad thing? good thing? just a thing?

Recently, I think for maybe the first time in my life, I've been letting myself feel some things that are painful. My go to reaction when I experience pain is to avoid it. To tell myself I'm fine and move on. To try to justify the person who said hurtful things or rationalize why the event happened- all in pursuit of not feeling pain. Last week I spent most of a day in tears. Literally every time I tried to open my mouth I started crying. It frustrated me. I tried to stop it. I couldn't. Again my go to when I start to cry is to try and stop-to find a way to avoid feeling the pain of whatever is causing the tears. I took a morning and tried to process where the tears were coming from-if I'm being honest it was not in pursuit of healing but in pursuit of figuring out how to make it stop. There were a lot of reasons for the tears but I think the root of them was 2-fold. One it was the Holy Spirit trying to get me to listen and the other was me feelings some things I just couldn't push down any longer.

This week I have been feeling a lot of things. I have been angry, hurt, confused, excited, tired, encouraged, disappointed. This morning as I was spending some time journaling I decided to press into some of those feelings instead of avoiding them. I asked the Holy Spirit to help me process.

Part of what I was processing was something that was said to me yesterday. Someone said to me, "%#*& wants married couples  . . . . " It was said in reference to community building and what would be good for a particular community that I am a part of and what someone valued in bringing a particular person into that community. It was said to my face. I am single. Again- I am single and someone said-to my face- that they valued married couples(over single people). This is where my avoidance of pain kicked in hard core! I respect and value both the person who said this to me and the person they were referencing. I value them as people and I value their words and work ethic. I believe they value me and my work as well. So my initial reaction was to rationalize-they didn't know what they were saying- they didn't mean it- they just don't know better- it's my own issues that make me feel hurt, etc.

I felt very hurt and angry but I tried to push it down. I couldn't. As the night went on, once I was alone, I got more and more hurt. As the words and the sentiment behind the words continued to sink in I became more discouraged and hurt and angry. So this morning I tried to process. Recently I have been reading through John. Today I just happened to be in chapter 11. The thing that hit me today was how Jesus felt. In the version I was reading it says several times, "he was deeply moved(vs 33, vs 38)." It also says he wept(vs 35). The thing(and I know this should not be an epiphany at this point in my walk-but it was today) that struck me was that Jesus felt. He felt deeply and he didn't try to avoid it because he knew everything would be ok. He didn't try to avoid it because he could control it. He didn't try to avoid it because he knew the people and could justify what happened. He was moved and he wept. He sat in it and felt it.

Here are my words from my journal as I processed-unedited from my journal

"Lord, sometimes/right now-it feels like I've been trying so hard to fit in, to find my place and in the midst of that it was thrown in my face that I don't. How hard it is in the christian world- as a woman and as a single person to feel like there is room for me-it feels like a constant battle and sometimes I don't want to feel it. I want to just keep going. When I feel it-it hurts and seems to make life harder. But maybe it also makes life better-both for me and for the people around me who I am a part of changing-opening the eyes of. God-I give you that-it is hard work to keep fighting/going/pursuing and to be rejected or left out or "behind." Help me to keep going though-use me, my voice, my life.  Holy Spirit-all that you have given me-use it in my life and in the lives of the people I'm around."

As I finished writing those words I was encouraged. Encouraged that God is growing me, changing me, using me. Encouraged that even though it sometimes feels to me like I am always having to fight for my place in the church or christian community- God has put that fight in me-has created me to keep going even when I want to give up- is always pursuing me and saying there is room for me. I was also discouraged- that this is still something I butt up against on a daily basis- the idea that because someone has a ring on their finger they are somehow more valuable or more mature. So in this moment I am choosing to feel. Feel the feelings and not try to avoid them. That may mean more tears or venting than I am comfortable with but I'm pretty sure it is part of growth and I want to grow.

Not on anyone else's timeline

I sat down in a meeting recently and the first question out of the person's mouth was, "Are you married?" 

Picture this-We were outside of a lodge at the camp where I work- beautiful setting- looking out at the lake. We were about to sit in some Adirondack chairs and I was in the middle of sitting down as he asked me this question. So now I am sitting but he is not yet sitting down. I have never spent any amount of time with this person so we obviously did not know each other(given the question he is asking). So I am sitting there and he is halfway into his chair and I say, "No." He remains halfway down in his chair and just continues to look at me so I tentatively say, " . . . and I've never been???" trying to figure out what he's trying to figure out. I know it sounds creepy but really it wasn't- I think he was just trying to get to know more about me. I think we do that a lot when we meet new people- we try to figure out which category to put them in our brains. He went on to ask if I have pets- my answer is, "No." Then- do I have roommates?- the answer again is, "No." 

At this point I have begun to feel like a psychopath- never been married, no kids, no pets, no roommates and I work with kids! These are the moments when I feel like I am the odd woman out. I do not fit into most peoples categories for a 41 year old woman. I have no husband or kids. I am not a cat or dog lady. I don't have a long term roommate. I don't own anything of monetary value(home, fancy car, a KitchenAid)

I am me.

I didn't follow the timeline and I don't fit into people's preset categories. I know people categorize never married older people into some very interesting categories. My own amazing family has even made those types of comments in front of me- things like, "You know he's never been married-he's a little odd." They are not trying to be mean- their brains are just trying to make connections and perhaps they are basing them off experiences or just what their culture or upbringing has taught them.

I didn't get married out of college-or anytime after that. I didn't have kids or buy a house or "settle down." Instead I spent some time figuring out who I am as an individual and by my late 20's when I started to entertain the idea that I MIGHT be ready to "settle down" or get married I decided instead to switch careers and move to Norway sight unseen. I decided that I really liked me and I had some more growing to do before I was ready to buy that house or have that kid or commit to that guy. So I moved to Norway and then 2 years later I moved to Belgium.

Now the timeline was completely out of whack and what category did I fit in?-the aging spinster?, the fun aunt?, the rebel? the crazy lady? A few years passed and I was mid 30's and still no husband, roommates, kids or permanent residence. So at 38 I decided to really send that timeline/category searching on a run for it's money and moved back to America and into my old bedroom at my parents house!!!! That'll teach 'em! Maybe the jarring nature of it would set the timeline straight. . . . . .it didn't!

So then 11 months later I packed up my car and left Pennsylvania and started driving west with no real plan other than that if I got to California(where I could go no farther west) and still didn't have a job I would drive north to Portland and find a place to live. Seemed like a reasonable plan-timeline moving along and all.

So off I went and for 3 months I drove west(making tons of stops along the way to see all those people I hadn't seen in 9 years of living outside of the country or who I had met while living outside the country but who now lived in America). If you really want to blow peoples ability to figure out where you are on the "timeline" or to place you in their internal categories- tell them you are a 38 year old single woman with no job and a brand new car driving across the country with no set plans until such a point as you can no longer go west in said car!

So of course at the end of that road trip I ended up in Arizona where I have spent the last 2 1/2 years. I'm going to go ahead and say my timeline is a bust and I don't fit into many preset categories. The things I thought I would be and be doing at 41 are nothing like what my life actually looks like. I thought I would have all those things I mentioned earlier-the husband, kids, house- maybe not the pets.

Instead my life has included deep friendships with people from all over the world. It has included visiting over 30 countries. It has included growth I don't think I ever would have experienced if I had followed the timeline I had as a kid. It has included getting to live, work and coach in 3 different countries. It has included having friends and family in pretty much any region of the world I would ever want to visit. It has included being on ESPN and in the USA Today because of the ridiculous outfits I'm willing to wear to support the USA teams in other countries. It has included being lonely and having to work through that and learn to enjoy being alone. My timeline has included so much more than I could have thought or imagined.

So when I get frustrated because my life doesn't look like what I thought it would or what others peoples look like. When I hear comments that allude to the fact that an older never married person is strange based solely on their marital status . When I start to question whether I am too old to be still asking the question-what do I want to do when I grow up? When I struggle with feeling like the odd woman out because most people don't know or understand huge chunks of my experiences. When I get frustrated because most of my dearest friends are at least 3 times zones away. When I begin to wonder if I AM that odd person my family has talked about. When people ask the initial questions of -are you married? because they are trying to figure out what box to put me in or where I am on my timeline- I kind of enjoy that I get to blow their box and their timelines up and I get to be me!

I'll be me and I hope you'll be you!

"I Wanna Be Like Me" by Sara Bareilles

Oh

What if I wanna be the one who
Never looks like anybody?
What if I wanna be the one who
Goes her own way?

Would you still believe in someone like me?

What if I wanna be the one who
Doesn't belong here?
What if I wanna be the one who
Won't fit in?

Would you find a new way to make room for me?

What if I don't wanna be like you?
Not to make you cry
What if I don't wanna be like you?
Just because I was made to be exactly like me

What if I don't wanna be like you?
Not to tear you down
What if I don't wanna be like you?
Because I found I was made to be exactly like me
I wanna be like me

Oh

What if I wanna be the one who
Doesn't need to hide?
What if I wanna be the one who
Won't apologize?
I'm not the enemy
Unless that's what you choose to see

What if I wanna be the one who
You never understand?
Do you ever think you'll ever want to still try to hold my hand?
To get through to you I'm still trying to

What if I don't wanna be like you?
Not to make you cry
What if I don't wanna be like you?
Just because I was made to be exactly like me

What if I don't wanna be like you?
Not to tear you down
What if I don't wanna be like you?
Because I found I was made to be exactly like me
I wanna be like me

[Break]

What if I don't wanna be like you?
What if I don't wanna be like you?
What if I don't wanna be like you?
What if I don't wanna be like you?

What if I don't wanna be like you?
Not to tear you down
What if I don't wanna be like you?
Because I found I was made to be exactly like me
I wanna be like me

5 years later

WOW! and 5 years later I'm asking myself- why did I not keep up with this blog??? Pretty sure I know why-life, moving back to the states, figuring out life in America after having been gone for 9 years, moving to Arizona, the invention of Chatbooks to record my life in pictures......I just looked back through this and it is so interesting to read my thoughts from 5-10 years ago! I'm def still the same person with the same questions but I have also come up with a few more:)

Why are American's so obsessed with "stuff?" Why do I have this overwhelming "need" to know what's next? What-of my beliefs/knowledge- is cultural and what is universal? How does God see me? How do I see myself? When will I feel ready to settle down? What does that even mean? Where should I travel to next? Why does Williams, AZ not have a Chick-fil-a? :)

When I initially started this blog it was so people would know what was happening in my life while I lived in Norway and then Belgium. Looking back I realize it had morphed into a place where I was sharing bits and pieces of myself-not really caring if anyone else was reading it. And so today, I begin again- not caring if anyone else finds/reads this but also valuing the ability to not just look back on pictures but also on thoughts, questions and ideas.

5 years later. . . .

I live in a tiny town, where there are more tourists than residents, in Northern Arizona. I work at a camp(which I always thought was my dream job-still figuring that one out). I try to take a 2 week adventure trip each fall and spring-using my passport as often as I can. I have now been to at least 30 countries. I am still figuring out what life looks like for me and what I am passionate about. I have kept a few foster kids short term-which as been on my heart since middle school. I keep in touch with friends on a few continents. I still struggle with identity and a sense of belonging. I am still passionate about women and their strength and successes.  I still question the "why's" of anything I do.

This weekend I am heading back to Atlanta for a baby shower. It has been a couple of years since I have been there and I am so excited to get to see and spend time with people that mean so much to me. 18 years ago I left Pennsylvania in a car packed with my limited earthly goods and drove to Atlanta knowing 3 people. I started a job teaching at a school I had been to one time(for an interview). I lived in the basement(picture cement floors, an area rug and flying cockroaches as my neighbors) of a friends family. I arrived feeling nervous and insecure but also excited about the possibilities. Feeling like I did not fit in to the southern world in which I had arrived. 4 years later I left Atlanta calling it home. I left with friends that had become family. I left having met some of the biggest heroes of my life- Teachers, Mothers, Students, Athletes and Activists. I head back this weekend knowing I will see some of those amazing women and some others I've met along the way in Norway and Belgium(somehow everyone ends up living in Atlanta at one point or another!). Women who are strong and loyal. Women who are vulnerable and giving. Women who care deeply and give of themselves freely. I am so excited to see some of these mentors and friends and hear what they have been learning about life.