on being single and a wedding

I am back in Belgium after an almost 2 week adventure to California.  One of my best friends-Sarah was going from being a Holt to a Kappen and I was not going to miss it.  Since it was such a long trip and I have begun to hate plane rides- I get VERY antsy after the first 2 hours- I decided to make a vacation of it and get to spend some sweet moments with Sarah before she went from single to married.  

I am SO glad I made the trip and that I went out early.  I can say it was SOO good for my soul.  

Another friend of mine from Belgium-Christie- also came out early and we rented a beach house together.  So for a few days it was just Sarah, Christie and I at the house.  It was beyond lovely to wake up leisurely in the mornings, eat breakfast together, work out together(yes-we did Insanity) and then go to the beach or run errands or whatever the day called for.  All the while having amazing conversations about life-it's challenges and it's joys.  I laughed so much my abs were hurting by the second day.  These ladies are AMAZING women of God who know how to listen well and not always feel like they have to solve problems.  They are women of prayer.  Women who love well.  Women who care deeply.  True Community is something I tend to lack in Belgium and I got to experience amazing community last week.  As I said-it was good for my SOUL.

The finale of the week was of course the wedding- which was probably the most beautiful and meaningful wedding I have ever gotten to be a part of-and if you know me- I consider myself in the running for 27 dresses status!  It was truly about 2 lives coming together as one.  The wedding was beautiful in an aesthetic sense-with old fashioned lights and pennants decorating the church and reception- but even more beautiful in a spiritual sense.  From them inviting the people there to stand and commit to encouraging them as a married couple to the families coming together for an intimate communion in the middle of the service to the pure worship as Rex(Bride's dad and pastor) joyfully yelled out while singing 10,000 reasons.  It was AWEsome!

Weddings are beautiful and intimate and powerful.  As a single woman I love the promise of a wedding.  The beauty of the day.  The beginning of a new adventure.  But the thing I love most about a wedding is the idea that for probably the only time in your life(except perhaps your funeral) it is the one time when people from all the different parts of your life come together to celebrate.  Maybe it's because my life is so compartmentalized.  Many of my friends have never met each other because they live across the country or even the world.  I love the idea that all of my friends and family will get to meet and have a party together!  That I will get to stand before them and God and make a lifelong commitment.  That everyone gets to be a part of the beginning of something so deep, so intimate.

As a single woman weddings not only bring out joy for this amazing and beautiful moment but it is often a bittersweet reminder that I am single.  Top that off with the fact that the week before the wedding it was mother's day and I had to SIT through the typical- "all mother's STAND up" bit at church- wondering if I will ever get to stand up-it made for an awesome but sometimes overwhelming week.  YES- I want to celebrate the mother's and YES I want to celebrate the brides-I want to be their loudest fans, their biggest cheerleaders but it does remind me of what I am not- a wife or mother.  Sometimes people write me cards and they mention me being a mother to so many through my job.  Yes -I have loved and mentored many kids over the years but I have not had to learn the selflessness that comes with motherhood.  I do not get to stand up on mothers day with all the other mother's- no matter how many lives I have touched.  As pastor's speak of Motherhood being the highest calling I am reminded that I may never be able to pursue that calling no matter how much I want it.  Sometimes people(especially within the church) say it is a privilege to be single and have time to do the things I want to do and to serve others with my time but at the same time they speak about how man was not meant to be alone.  As a single woman within the church there is more often than not this feeling of not belonging.  I have often felt used as a single person- someone who can help with children's ministry or with babysitting since they have time-so that the real people(the married people) can go to church or do fun things.  Single people are often not invited into community with married people but, regardless of age lumped together with all other single people-as if being single or married is the most important defining characteristic of each person.  I have often been made to feel-either overtly or covertly- that something is wrong with me-that I am not full or complete person until I am married.  Like the time my sister and I joined the same church at the same time.  We are basically the same age(she's one year older than I) but she was married with kids.  Right away she got invited to be a part of all kinds of groups while I was asked to help out in the nursery but not invited into any kind of community.  Or one holiday with my family when I was placed at the kids table(I was in my late 20's and the next oldest person at the kid's table was about 12) while my cousin, who is younger than I, was placed at the adults table because he had gotten engaged-I will admit to possibly calling them out on that one.

As I traveled home I was able to process through some of my thoughts and feelings from the week.  I tend to be a slow processor so it was nice to have a plane ride to work through some thoughts.  There may have been a moment on the plane where tears were literally streaming down my face but I think I did a pretty good job of paying it off as something in my eye:)  I am BEYOND excited for my sweet friend as she beings this whole new adventure of being married.  I was thrilled to stand beside her on Saturday and cry and smile and laugh as she joined her life with Billy's.  They are amazing people individually and I can already see God beginning to grow them and use them together as a couple.  I love that God orchestrated their lives is such a unique way and that there are no other Billy's or Sarah's in the world.  They are unique as individuals and they will be unique as a married couple.  I pray and have faith that their marriage is going to be powerful in many lives.

Maybe that's why these feeling and thoughts have come up- Because I could see what God is doing in them and through them and their coming together.  Maybe it makes me want that sense of community even more.  It is also a reminder to me that others want to be a part of community.  That even in my daily life I want to be inviting other people into my life- regardless of their marital status.